I spent 18 years debunking the myth
Trying to be smart and black,
When I clearly didn’t fit.
“You’re too smart to be black”
“You’re not black enough”
“She thinks she’s better than us because she’s smart”
And thus starts the downfall of esteem.
Sure they call it self-esteem
But when people start questioning your identity
And you find yourself searching for your place
When you don’t fit in no matter what you do
And then you find yourself in college.
You’re not nerdy/geeky enough.
You’re not smart enough nor dumb enough.
You’re not black enough for the black folk
But too black for the white folk
You like sports, but can’t relate to none of the athletes
You love writing, but you’re not in their clique.
You don’t even mesh with none of the organizations on campus
What are you supposed to do?
Then the males, oh boy the males…
I’ve heard men say they want a girl with intelligence,
Loyalty and love in her heart
But pick the hoodrats, the THOTS over the good girls in fact
I’ve been not hood enough, not good enough,
A hoodrat and a broke bitch
I been worthless, ain’t shit… and thats what I get
I only wanted love, and I didn’t think that was too much to ask
I still want love, but I can’t even imagine the path.
I just wanted one, never wanted to go down this road
Now I’m in my feelings but I’m getting too old
To keep dating and searching because it’s all getting old
I don’t want to keep searching, I don’t even want to look
But I’ll throw the line out there, I’m the bait and here’s the hook.
I’m a single mother, working full time, trying to be a writer
faithful, loyal but I do have a slick mouth
I’m not generally moody, but I’m never content
I’m a black girl lost, in this huge big world
Not playing the victim, just wondering when will be my turn